


Travels In Russia

by Frost_Iron



Series: To Protect What He Loves [1]
Category: Captain America, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: I promise!, M/M, More like drabbles, last chapter will have smut!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-01
Updated: 2012-11-05
Packaged: 2017-11-17 13:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frost_Iron/pseuds/Frost_Iron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Established Steve/Bucky relationship. Bucky received vague threats against Steve's life from HYDRA. These are Bucky's tales about his mission to take down a branch of HYDRA in Russia alone. Last chapter will be his reunion with Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> These were just drabbles, I thought I'd put them out here in case anyone cared to read them. Comments are always appreciated!

It had been a week since Bucky had packed his things and left Steve after having some vague threats made against his best friend and husband. Bucky knew that he couldn't stay there with Steve as much as he wanted to because as the person giving out the threats had pointed out, Bucky being around Steve brought potential danger to the other man. He sighed and continued walking down the dark street that was barely lit. It was a cold Autumn night in the country that he had never expected to find himself back in. Russia. He hated it here because it only served to bring back memories, vivid ones, of his past here with Natalia. 

He sighed and made his way down a vacant alley to the back door of the small apartment building that he had been staying in during his time away from Steve. Bucky had been busy already and was quickly beginning the process of infiltrating one particular HYDRA base. He knew that this wouldn't be instant redemption for his past but a small part of him hoped that by doing this, he could earn back some of the honor he had once held before he fell from the train and into the hands of Zola and the Russians. Bucky wanted to go home, to have Steve wrap his arms around him and tell him that everything was okay but he couldn't do that...not until he took down this base here in Russia. Maybe then he would feel comfortable returning home to Steve.

Bucky pulled out the pen and paper he had stashed in the desk here in his small apartment and stared blankly at the paper for a moment. The apartment was dimly lit and it was hard for him to see what he was truly doing, but even in that small amount of light Bucky noticed the single teardrop that hit the piece of paper as he picked up the pen and began to write. He could never send this letter to Steve because if he mailed it there was a chance his location would be picked up and he could be captured and tortured for the little information that he did have on SHIELD. With a sigh, he began to write:

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> _Russia is miserable without you....well let me rephrase that. Russia is miserable period. I wish I could come home and see those beautiful blue eyes of yours and hear you tell me how much you love me. Christ, I miss your voice so much kiddo and I miss your laugh too. I hope to come home soon, but it all depends on how far I get into infiltrating HYDRA before they catch on to what I'm up to._
> 
> _I've been having the nightmares again lately...the ones where I fall from the train and it really fucking sucks waking up alone in a strange bed in a cold apartment with no one there to tell me that things will be okay. I wish things didn't have to be like this because I would give anything to be with you again but I know that by sticking this out, I'm protecting your life and it's worth everything to me to know you'll be safe._
> 
> _Though you won't get this ever, you know that I love you and I'm sure that you're thinking about me. I don't know how much longer this is going to take Stevie...and I know I told you to move on without me but I gotta say, I'll be pretty crushed if I return home to find you in bed with someone else. I just want to come home and get away from the cold horrors that lay deep within this country. I should go for now, I have to get ready for my next mission._
> 
> _I love you always and forever,_
> 
> _~Bucky_

Bucky sighed and rubbed at his eyes before picking up the letter and holding it in his hands. He placed a soft kiss to the paper before fumbling in his pocket for his lighter. Once he found it he lit the corner of the paper, allowing the letter to burn in his hands for a moment before dropping it into the trashbarrel to allow it to burn the rest of the way.

With that he stood up and walked over to the small cot that was in the corner of the room. Laying down, Bucky rolled over and glanced at the picture of Steve that was on his nightstand. "Love you kiddo," he whispered before closing his eyes and preparing for the following day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments/kudos are appreciated!

It was now two weeks out since Bucky had walked out on Steve after receiving some threats placed against his husband. He hadn't told anyone where he was going, and he had so far been successful at staying off of SHIELD's radar. Things were going well for him and today he had even managed to both capture and interrogate one of the more experienced HYDRA agents. He had been difficult to get answers out of and though he had been reluctant to do so, he couldn't afford to have his cover blown and the assassin had had to kill the HYDRA agent.

The death of the HYDRA agent had actually worked out to Bucky's benefit and he was able to assume the identity of the man he had killed. Bucky had made his way through the first level of the HYDRA base rather easily as without his mask and with a long jacket and gloves, his identity had been concealed without a problem. It made it so that Bucky could take up the job of this agent, allowing him full access to all of HYDRA...he made plans to finish off the base in a few days. For now he would spend his time gathering intel and observing the others.

After a long day sneaking around and making preparations for the destruction of the HYDRA base, Bucky returned to the dim and depressing apartment and collapsed onto the couch. His arm was aching and all he wanted was to be at home back in New York with Steve but his main goal in even being in Russia was to protect his husband and he couldn't do that from the United States.

As always after a long day, Bucky stood from the couch and got up to sit at his desk. Withdrawing a piece of paper and a pen, he once more began a letter to Steve that he would never send. Though he knew Steve would never get to read these, he wrote them to get how he was feeling off his chest in the hopes that the next day would be a better one and he could keep up the momentum to keep going even though he was miserable here. With a small cough Bucky proceeded to write:

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> _It's been two weeks since I left you and I gotta tell you that it hasn't gotten any easier being here without you. I miss you so much and it's killing me to have to spend this time away but I know that in the end it will be worth it if I can protect you for even a little while longer. I hope to be home within the month...but things are rough and even though I was successful in getting into HYDRA there is still a lot of work to be done before I can take it down._
> 
> _I hope that you've been well without me. Maybe I'll get lucky and you've been busy enough to keep your mind off of me. SHIELD doesn't know anything about what I'm doing so I'm guessing that if you've asked, you have no information. It's better if you don't know where I am for now Steve, I can't keep you safe if you come looking for me. I hope you haven't been too lonely, have you been around the other Avengers lately? Maybe I'm lucky and Tony has been keeping you occupied with things so you don't think too much about me._
> 
> _I love you so much kiddo, it's breaking my heart to be here all alone. Sometimes I wish I had asked Natalia to tag along, maybe I could have been done with this sooner if I had brought her with me but I felt like this was something I had to do on my own. The nightmares....they haven't stopped and I can't stop thinking about my past. Maybe part of me is worried that by being here and submersing myself in Russia, the Winter Soldier will return and I'll be unable to come back to you. I really hope that isn't the case because I want nothing more than to be with you again._
> 
> _I love you Steve...take care,_
> 
> _-James Barnes_

Bucky glanced at the letter for a few minutes, his fingers tracing the part where he had written that he loved Steve. He wet his lips and sighed before pulling out the lighter and burning the letter, allowing the paper to fall into the trashcan beside him. There were ashes of now 14 letters, one for each day he had been there and it wasn't getting easier to be without the man he loved.

With a heavy head, Bucky gathered himself up and walked over to lay down on the small cot that had become his during his stay in Russia. As he laid down to sleep, the last thought that went through his mind before he drifted off was that of Steve having to sleep alone. 

Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments/kudos are appreciated!

Three weeks, 21 days, 504 hours, 30,240 minutes...however you wanted to put it that was how long Bucky had been in Russia, so far away from everything that he loved. He hated being here back in Russia where he had no one to keep him sane while he worked on how to best take down this particular branch of HYDRA. Today had not been very successful for Bucky because when he arrived that day at the base, impersonating the HYDRA agent that he had taken down the week before, he quickly realized that his cover had been blown. He had been lucky to escape that time, though it was not without consequences.

He sighed as he stood in front of the dirty mirror in the small bathroom of his equally small apartment that he was keeping here in Moscow. On the bright side the bullet had missed his head, the down side was that it found his good shoulder and now he was doing everything that he could to stop the bleeding. Bucky pulled the gauze away from the wound to get a better look at where the bullet had pierced his skin. He needed to get the bullet out and it wasn't going to be pretty but what was one more scar on his skin when he already had so many. He winced as he dug the pair of tweezers into his wound, the pain shooting sharply through his body as he tried to retrieve the bullet. Finally after much struggle and a great deal of blood loss Bucky managed to dig the bullet out of his shoulder. He dropped the tweezers into the sink and looked up into the mirror. Bucky's face read the sadness, the pain, and the lack of sleep that he had been feeling lately. He knew he looked like hell and the only thing keeping him going was the thought that maybe Steve was still waiting for him back in New York.

With a heavy head Bucky took some more of the gauze and wrapped his shoulder, thankful that at least the bleeding would slow for now. Giving up on cleaning the bathroom for now, Bucky stumbled out into the living room and took a seat at the desk that had become his favorite place to sit and write out his feelings in letters that would never reach Steve. First he needed drugs because the pain that was spreading through his body was making life unbearable at the moment. Bucky pulled out one of the needles that was pre-filled with morphine and injected it into his vein, instantly feeling the effects as it took off the edge a little. He was thankful he had remembered to pack that before he left because had he not, he would have had to simply deal with the pain.

Now that he was settled and could breathe a little easier, Bucky pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and set it down on the desk before him. He knew that this would never get to Steve but writing down what he was going through was the only way he could remember why he was here and that he was fighting for something that mattered. Slowly he began to write:

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> _Can't believe that it's been three weeks since I left you standing there in our house. I wish that I could have stayed because being here back in Russia where my past surrounds me has been so fucking hard and I don't know how much more I can take. I wish I could tell you that I've avoided drinking while I've been here but truthfully it's the only thing that gets me through the nights at this point. I worry that the part of me that I've been trying so desperately to keep suppressed is going to come back again and take me away from you for good._
> 
> _I wish you were here to tell me what to do, to hold me, to just be here and make my existence in this miserable place comfortable. I got shot today Stevie...and for a split second I considered just giving up and letting myself go. I hate it here but the only thing keeping me going is the thought that just maybe if I'm lucky enough, you'll be waiting on the other side of this for me. I know that there's a chance that when I get back you won't want me anymore but even if you ask me to go and never come back, it will have been worth it knowing that I've protected you even a little._
> 
> _I want to see your face so badly, I don't think I've ever wanted anything more in my life before. It kills me knowing that I could be gone for so long...or that I might not get to come back to you and you have no idea where I am. The effects of this morphine I took are setting in and I should get into bed before I fall asleep here at the desk. I've got another long day tomorrow now that my progress has been set back by this fucking bullet wound. I hope to God that you're doing okay without me...if you've moved on I won't begrudge you that._
> 
> _I love you always and forever,_
> 
> _-James Barnes_

Bucky put the pen down and looked at the words that he had written there. He really did feel like just giving up earlier, to allow that bullet to pierce his skull instead of his shoulder but he had had the thought of Steve getting news that he had been killed and the look on Steve's face in his imagination had been enough to force him to dodge the shot. With a heavy sigh, Bucky continued his nightly ritual and burned the letter, watching it turn to ash in the trashcan. 

With the effects of the morphine setting in, he wandered over to his cot and laid down upon it, staring up at the ceiling. "Hang in there for me Stevie, I love you," he whispered to the empty apartment. 


	4. Chapter 4

One entire month now had passed since Bucky had walked away from the life he shared with Steve. His entire body ached as he limped back to the apartment and the cold Russian winter was beginning to set in. It was beginning to snow and Bucky knew it was nearing Christmas time back home and there was the hope in the back of his head that he'd be home in time to celebrate with Steve. However with the way things were going at HYDRA, Bucky knew it could be weeks or months...hopefully not years before he returned to his husband.

The snow drifted down easily onto the stretch of pavement set before him as he wandered along on the way to the place he had come to call home since his arrival here. Today had not been an easy day as his cover had been blown last week and he now had to be far more stealthy about how he moved about HYDRA. The shoulder where he had been shot last week had healed a little but the cold was making it throb with pain and the frigid Russian air whipped around his face, inflicting additional pain. He finally stumbled down the alley that his apartment was located in, his hands fumbling in his pockets for the keys which he inevitably dropped on the ground. "Fuck.." he muttered, crouching down to look for them, the snow making it nearly impossible to see where they had fallen. Giving up, Bucky sat down in the snow, against the brick wall of the building, his emotions finally getting the better of him. So far while away from Steve he hadn't allowed himself to fully break down, not even after getting himself shot but now in the icy grip of Russia's Winter, he found that he couldn't stop himself from letting go.

Tears fell from his eyes as he leaned his head against the brick and felt the rush of pent up emotion surge through him. "Why can't you just be here with me kiddo," he whispered into the wind. It was growing dark and even colder so with every last bit of his energy, he grabbed his keys and pulled himself up. Bucky's hands shook violently as he finally unlocked the door and let himself in to the warm apartment. The assassin stumbled into the small kitchenette and put on the kettle to make some tea that would hopefully drive the chill from his bones and perhaps help to calm him down a bit. As he waited for the water to boil, he decided that he would perform his nightly ritual and write out the letter to Steve that he would never send.

So far he had burned 28 letters, the ash sitting in the bottom of the trashcan that sat next to his desk. Each one he had ended by writing just how much he loved Steve and now more than ever did that feel true; he needed his husband and he was sure or at least he hoped that Steve still needed him too. With a heavy heart he pulled out a piece of the same brand of paper and his pen to begin his letter:

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> _Today wasn't a good day for me....I wonder how yours was. I spent a great deal of my time today simply scanning the exterior of HYDRA's base, looking for another way in. It was a huge waste of my time and I'm no closer to taking them down than I was when I first got here. I really don't fucking know what to do anymore...I want to give up and just come home to you, but I won't let myself do that...not when I know that taking this base down puts you one step closer to safety._
> 
> _You know I really needed you today...I wish I didn't have to keep finding comfort in the bottom of a bottle, because I know you would be ashamed of me. When I fell to the ground outside of the apartment today, I couldn't help but think that if I had been at home in New York, you would have come outside, picked me up and brought me inside for hot chocolate. Just like we used to do on a cold winter day back in Brooklyn when we needed to keep close for warmth...man Stevie, I miss that. I miss just being able to hold you and protect you and having just the two of us be enough to face that world together. Why can't we just have that again? I hate that in order for me to feel like I'm doing my part as your husband and keeping you safe, I've had to travel back to Russia._
> 
> _I just miss you so damn much and I don't know how much more I can take of this before I break fully. Part of me hopes that you've moved on without me, on to someone who is better suited for you rather than this old assassin. I'm worried that I won't come home and you'll be stuck alone for the rest of your life because you'll have refused to move on. I can't let that happen Stevie, so I'm pledging here and now to come back to you....even if I have to come back in a box, just so you have closure, I promise I'm coming back._
> 
> **_[There are a few small tear marks on the page where Bucky has allowed them to fall]_ **
> 
> _I love you so much kiddo....I hope that I can come home soon because I need to see you and hold you._
> 
> _Yours always and forever,_
> 
> _James Barnes_

Just as Bucky finished burning the letter, he heard the kettle whistle from the small kitchen. As he poured the water over the tea leaves, he glanced out of the window across to the small clearing that was behind the apartment building. It was then that he witnessed a couple having a snowball fight with the freshly fallen Russian snow. Taking a sip of his tea he sighed and whispered, "Soon baby....I'm on my way to you."


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky had done it finally. It had taken him 5 weeks of planning, set backs, and injuries but he had finally invaded the Russian HYDRA base that he had been plotting against. Now in the dark of this cold winter night he finished setting up the explosives in their weapons manufacturing part of the base. This would set them back a little and would give Bucky the time he needed to get out of the building before setting off the explosives that he had lined the perimeter with. Bucky could hear the voices of some HYDRA agents as they got closer to him and he knew he didn't have much time before they would happen upon him. Setting the bomb to go off in 30 seconds, he ran as fast as he could to get to cover. The noise was deafening and he hadn't made it nearly as far as he had wanted to before the blast knocked him off his feet. "Fuck," he swore quickly as he struggled to stand up. His leg was bleeding, likely from where a piece of the shrapnel had imbedded itself in his leg but he knew he couldn't stop now. 

He raced out of the room, a few HYDRA agents chasing after him, guns firing and bullets ricocheting off the walls. Bucky was so close to the door and to finally getting to come home to Steve that he could taste it. Just one more last push of energy and he would be there. Bucky burst out into the frigid Russian air, his lungs contracting instantly and making it incredibly hard for him to breathe but he forced himself to keep running despite the incredible pain that he felt. Finally he had made it to the small embankment across the street from the HYDRA base. Collapsing into the snow, Bucky pressed the small detonator that he had kept on him and watched as the building exploded. He had done it, now he just needed to get back to his apartment which he knew would prove difficult now that the adrenaline was draining from his body and the pain of his injuries was setting in. 

The pure white of the snow was stained with the crimson color of the blood that was flowing from the injury on Bucky's leg and as he stared at it all he could picture was not getting home to Steve if he didn't start moving. Reluctantly and with much struggle, Bucky got to his feet and began the long walk back to his apartment. For now all he needed to do was get there and then phone in SHIELD who without a doubt would have been notified of the explosion at HYDRA.

It took him an hour of miserable hobbling and pausing for breaths but he finally made it back to his apartment. As he stepped in to the dark interior of the small place that he had made his home for the past month and a half, he let out a sigh of relief. He would be happy to be rid of this place and get back to New York and if he was lucky, back to Steve. 

The shrapnel in his leg hadn't been in too deep and it was painful, yes, however he had been through worse and all he wanted to do now was write one more letter and then phone in for his extraction. After removing the piece of metal and patching up his leg, Bucky sat down at the desk for one last time. He sighed contentedly and took out a piece of paper and a pen which he set down before him. This would be the last time he would write a letter to his husband that he wouldn't send, the thought of that lifting his heart a bit. With a deep breath, Bucky began to write:

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> _It's been about two months since I left you now and despite a few small injuries, I am proud to report that I am finally ready to come home. I hope that you're still waiting for me but I know that it's a lot to ask given how long I've been gone from you this time. I wonder if you've moved on to someone else....I know that both Tony and Sharon have probably tried to catch your interest and I wouldn't blame you if you took one of them up on it but there is a large part of me that prays silently that you still love me. Even if I can't have you when I return, knowing that I've protected you from this will be enough for me._
> 
> _My letter this time around to you isn't very long, not that you'll get it anyways but mostly because I'll be coming home soon. I plan to make a cup of tea, nap, and then call SHIELD in for my extraction. I know that I'll have to answer for what I've done but no matter what, it will be worth it to me._
> 
> _I think I hope above all things that you'll actually be willing to see me when I get back to the States....I'm worried that you might hate me for leaving you without much of an explanation or a note as to where I was going. I suppose if that's the case I'll have to move on with my life and it will hurt but it won't hurt more than if I had allowed you to get hurt or killed._
> 
> _I love you Stevie...I always have and I always will. Until I see you again,_
> 
> _James Barnes_

Bucky sighed and burned the letter; the last he would ever have to burn. A part of him felt a weight lift off his shoulders knowing he was so close to coming home, but his heart still felt heavy knowing Steve might turn him away when he arrived. After throwing the smoldering letter into the trashcan to join the others he stood up and stretched, wincing slightly as a bit of pain raced through him. On his way to the kitchen to make that cup of tea, Bucky had been so distracted and his mind was so clouded that even his heightened senses didn't notice the trip wire that was placed across the entry to the small kitchenette. 

The explosion was so powerful that it knocked Bucky back into the opposite wall, causing him to fall unconscious. A small gasp passed through the assassin's body as his world finally faded all the way to black and he slumped lifelessly against the floor.

It would be a few hours before SHIELD heard of the second explosion and found Bucky. By then he had already slipped into a coma and was brought back to SHIELD HQ in the United States for further evaluation in the hopes that he would soon awaken to inform them of what happened. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this last chapter reads like a RP because this is a RP between myself (Bucky) and my Steve (captainoftheice on tumblr).
> 
> Also I promised smut, but things took a different turn so...hope you're not too pissed at me, but I do promise in the second part of this story I will get smut written for you all!

**[Text to: Steve Rogers from SHIELD]:** Sergeant James Barnes was found in a coma in Russia. He is currently being held in SHIELD HQ's infirmary. You are welcome to come and visit him when you would like.

The moment that Steve had received the text message from SHIELD he had been out the door. He didn’t even hesitate. It didn’t matter if it had been two months, it didn’t matter that Bucky had walked out on him, and it didn’t matter if Bucky didn’t want him there because he would be there anyway.  _It was Bucky._ Steve reached SHIELD HQ in no time. Yes, perhaps he had been speeding but this was Bucky and he needed to get there. He loved the man and he wanted to be there when he woke up even if Bucky didn’t want him there. He’d leave after he knew that his friend, the man he loved, was safe and not hurt. Steve entered the building and brushed off someone quickly. He didn’t mean to be rude but there were more important things at hand and he couldn’t waste time right now. He needed to see Bucky. 

Steve took the steps two at a time and hurried until he reached the room where sure enough Bucky was laying his eyes closed and he looked like hell. Steve swallowed hard as he took slow steps towards him. “Bucky….” He whispered as he chewed on the inside of his cheek to try and keep himself together. However it was not that easy to do and he felt like breaking down right then and there. It had been two months since he had seen Bucky and this was how he would see him for the first time in all that time? All that time he spent missing him and he couldn’t even hold him. Steve stepped closer and looked over the sleeping man before he turned his gaze towards the door. “Can I have a minute please?” He asked calmly. The nurse left shutting the door behind her and as Steve turned his attention back to Bucky he swallowed again. He felt a stray tear slip down his cheek as he reached out and took his hand. “God I missed you……I need you to wake up…..I need to know you still love me…..” he muttered quietly. “You gotta walk for me, jerk.” He smiled weakly and shook his head, “Please?”

The moment that Bucky had fallen unconscious something inside his brain had snapped and taken him back to a time in his life that had been a particularly difficult one. This coma he was in mirrored that of the stasis he used to be put in by the Russians when they were not utilizing Bucky as the Winter Soldier and so now as his limp body began to stir back into life, things in Bucky’s mind had shifted. James’ dreams had been more of nightmares than anything; his past had returned to haunt him and now he was being called back into the waking world. Very slowly the assassin opened his eyes, the bright hospital lighting causing him to squint as he tried to adjust to his surroundings. "Где я?" he croaked out, closing his eyes again as his speech slipped easily back into the Russian that he had been so used to communicating with. Without waiting for an answer, James began to sit up, rotating his metal arm a little to try and loosen up. As soon as he opened his eyes he shifted into gears, his assassin skills easily kicking in as he registered the face that sat across from him. “Captain America,” he hissed, launching himself out of bed to tackle the super soldier to the ground.

“You should not have come here,” the assassin growled as he kept Steve pinned to the ground below him. James had no recollection of Steve having been his husband and the ring on his finger didn’t register to unusual to him. He simply assumed it had been part of a cover with Natalia.  _Natalia_ …. where was she? Had she been compromised and had he come to rescue her only to be injured? James had little memory of anything happening but he knew that his goal had been to kill Captain America if he ever saw him again. Now here he was, sitting next to him, an easy target for James to take out. “Enjoy your last few minutes Captain, I will not show you mercy,” he spat out, his metal arm digging sharply into Steve’s upper arm. James had already formulated a plan; he would kill Captain America, find Natalia, and hopefully escape from this place.

Steve sat quietly hoping that he wouldn’t have to wait too long for Bucky to wake up. He needed his husband to be okay. He needed his husband to wake up and be okay. He needed things to start to mend themselves because he had spent two months stuck in a hold and unable to move on. His husband was lying in this bed and his husband was all that mattered to him. He needed his husband back and he would sit here for as long as he had to so that he would be here when his husband woke up. He didn’t care how long it would take he wanted to be here for it. He wanted to be here to smile and let him know that despite everything he stilled cared even if Bucky didn’t. Steve tilted his head and heard the light mumble slip out of Bucky’s lips. He leaned forwards unable to catch what it was but as the other’s eyes began to open Steve knew that something was wrong. The words that had slipped out of Bucky’s lips had not been English that much the Soldier knew.

Steve grunted when his back suddenly collided with the hard floor behind him. He closed his eyes and winced slightly at the dull ache that ran up his spine. He groaned and shifted his weight however, Bucky held him down rather hard. He lifted his gaze up towards him and knew instantly that this wasn’t the man he had spent countless nights missing, wishing to have back. This was the person the Russians had made him. He groaned and shook his head quickly at the other. “Not for you.” He stated as he looked up towards Bucky. “For the other you, yes…” he whispered as he smiled faintly his gaze searching over Bucky’s. He swallowed and nodded his head, “I missed you….and I’m not going to fight you…..I just wanted to see you again.” He admitted as he took a breath and met his gaze. “I love you.” He whispered honestly.

James scoffed as he held the man down underneath him. “Pathetic,” he spat as his cold stare searched Steve’s face for anything reminiscent of the strong Captain America. “Not willing to fight back Captain?” he asked, easing up his grip on the other just a little. James was getting ready to simply end the life of America’s hero when the last few words that Steve spoke to him struck him almost like a physical blow. It wasn’t enough to force the Winter Soldier out of his mind, but it was enough to catch him off guard. “Love? What would you know of loving me?” he asked, his voice less venomous and more curious. Why would Captain America give a damn about seeing him again let alone loving him? James sat back, releasing Steve’s arms so that he was only straddling Steve and stared at him. The assassin could very easily gain control over the other but right now he was simply confused by this situation.

He didn’t wait for an answer before he shook it off, passing this confusion off as a side effect of the coma he had just emerged from. “Fight back or you die,” he hissed as he leaned in closer to Steve. James had a job to do and he needed to find Natalia, both things he couldn’t do if he didn’t finish things here. Swallowing any questions he had for Steve, James resumed the cold exterior of the Winter Soldier and flexed his metal arm a bit. “Fight me,” he said firmly before raising his metal arm and allowing a blow to fall down across Steve’s face. James watched a bit of blood trickle down from the cut he had just placed on Steve’s mouth, the crimson color tainting the pure image of Captain America. Suddenly without any warning James was furious that Steve wasn’t fighting him back. “Fight,” another punch to Steve’s face. “Me,” another to his side. “You bastard!” James yelled loudly as he placed one last blow to Steve’s jaw. James sat back, exhausted and confused as his chest rose and fell rapidly. “Why won’t you fight me?!” he yelled, picking Steve up by the collar of his shirt before letting him fall back down.

Steve watched Bucky carefully not sure what else to do or say. He wouldn’t dare hurt Bucky. He wouldn’t ever dream of causing Bucky any sort of harm as he laid on the ground pinned beneath him. He swallowed hard and then shrugged his shoulders. “No….I won’t fight you.” He stated slowly. He’d never dream of causing harm to Bucky because it wasn’t Bucky’s fault this was happening. Bucky was a victim and the man he loved. He couldn’t hurt him. Steve lowered his gaze and glanced as the other straddled him and released his arms. No matter what happened he’d never blame Bucky, he’d never hurt him, and he’d just endure. This was not his fault. This was not his fault and this was not the man he had spent two months wishing to see again. This was something else. “It’s a long story…” He whispered as he looked up at him and then groaned as the fist suddenly connected with his face. He felt the sharp pain and his tooth tore open his lip causing him to quickly taste blood in his mouth. He still wouldn’t fight back. He wouldn’t. He refused.

The Captain’s head jerked to the side as another fist connected with his face, another to his side and then back to his jaw. He tasted the blood in his mouth and quickly proceeded to spit out blood feeling it as it stained his chin. He swallowed and the cooper taste lingered there in his mouth. Steve winced and closed his eyes as he was dragged up by his collar by the other man. He winced again and looked weakly up towards Bucky as he was held there. As he was dropped back towards the ground he groaned and fell back against the wall. His hand lifted and he wiped some of the blood off his chin before he looked back towards Bucky. “Because I told you……I love you…” He muttered as he shook his head. “You just don’t remember who you are.” He whispered. “You don’t remember who you really are.” He muttered, “And that’s okay because that’s….that’s not your fault…..” He muttered as he looked back towards Bucky. “I love you either way. I’m not going to fight you…..so if you really think you can kill me……I guess you’ll have to do that.”

James stared down at the bloody, bruised mess that he had made of Captain America and huffed. How could this man be telling him that he didn’t know who he was and that above all of that, he  _loved him_. James knew exactly who he was and he wasn’t this person that Steve was describing. He was a cold, ruthless assassin set on getting his missions completed and keeping Natalia safe while they worked. Now this man was simply getting in his way and his insistence on not fighting back was becoming a pain. He had once heard tell that Captain America was not one to back down from a fight and yet here he was with every opportunity to throw James off of him and fight him properly and he wouldn’t even touch him. “You are not worth my time,” he spat, raising his metal arm once more, the hand forming a fist. James brought the fist down hard on Captain America’s face, rendering him unconscious and just like that, something in James’ brain snapped.

As he drew back his fist a horrifying chill passed through his body. Just as quickly as he had arrived, the Winter Soldier was gone, leaving Bucky to deal with what he had done. “Steve?” he whispered as he still sat, straddling his husband. “Christ…what have I done?!” he cried out, putting his head down to Steve’s chest to check for a heart beat. He was thankful to have found one but he had no idea how much damage he had done. “Nurse!!” Bucky yelled and stood up from Steve’s body before kneeling back down next to him. Tears streamed freely down his cheeks as he panicked about the damage he inflicted upon the one person he had just fought for so long to protect. “Christ would someone fucking help me in here?!” he screamed, running out into the hallway to find someone. Bucky watched nervously as the Doctors finally came in and placed Steve onto a stretcher to examine him. The assassin refused to leave his side, his hand gripping Steve’s limp one tightly. “Stevie…please I need you to be okay, I’m so so fucking sorry, I didn’t mean…” he trailed off, his words mumbled behind the tears that he allowed to fall. He just needed his husband to wake up and to be okay; he couldn’t waste any more time apart from him.

Steve wasn’t sure if he was really going to die in this moment or not. He hoped that something Bucky would snap back before that happened but he couldn’t be sure. Never the less he would never blame Bucky for any of this. It wasn’t his fault this was happening it was the Russian’s. The ones who had messed with him like this. Steve kept his gaze on Bucky’s features and made a mental note to just remember him and remember how much he loved him. To be happy that he got to see him again after all of this time because it was something he had wanted since the day Bucky had walked out on him. All he had wanted was to see that face again and know he was alive and not lying in some snow pile dead and lost forever. He took a shaky breath and nodded his head. A moment later he felt the contact and blackness followed. His body fell heavily into the ground and his body grew limp as he became unconscious. Steve had no idea if he was dead, or alive. No idea of the doctors that were lifting him, working on him and trying to help him.

Steve was unconscious for several minutes before his hand began to move and he felt someone else holding his hand. His eyes fluttered and the room was a complete blur as he attempted to remember what had just happened. His eyes blinked again and finally the room began to come into focus. He turned his head and looked towards the side finding Bucky standing there. He didn’t have that dark look in his eye from what the Super Soldier could tell. He was Bucky. Steve couldn’t stop the smile on his face as he looked up towards him. “Bucky…..” He whispered as he glanced down at their hands and quickly returned the grasp. He shook his head a little and tightened his hand around hers. “I…..I missed you.” He whispered finally as he licked his lips of the blood. 

Bucky had refused to leave Steve’s side as the doctors worked to get him stable, and after the beating he had inflicted upon Steve, Bucky knew he didn’t have long before SHIELD came to lock him away. They would want to run tests on him and make sure that the Winter Soldier was gone for good. He sighed, pressing Steve’s hand to his lips, kissing the top of his hand lightly. Never in his life had he hated himself more than at this very moment, but he promised himself that if Steve woke up, he would never let on about the self-hatred. He just needed his husband to be okay, even if that meant that Bucky would be forced to leave him again to keep him safe. The assassin’s ears perked up slightly when he heard the whisper of Steve’s voice fill the quiet room. Bucky forced himself to look up and into Steve’s eyes despite how scared he was that he would find hatred there. When he found none, he relaxed a little and allowed himself to simply enjoy the few moments they would have with each other. A weak smile traced Bucky’s as he cautiously reached out to brush a lock of Steve’s hair out of his face. “I missed you too kiddo,” he whispered in return as the assassin looked sadly upon his husband.

With a heavy heart, Bucky took a deep breath and averted his gaze to the floor for a moment so he could form the words that he needed to say. “Steve…I…I don’t even know how to begin to apologize for this,” he whispered, his chest tight with emotion. Bucky forced himself to remain calm and strong in the face of all of the pain he was feeling because he didn’t want to show Steve just how weak he felt right then. “You know that I love you right?” Bucky sighed and ran a hand through his hair before bringing his gaze back to Steve’s face. “They aren’t going to let me stay kiddo….they’re going to lock me away for away and I need you to let them,” he said softly. Carefully to make sure Steve wouldn’t become agitated, Bucky pressed the button on Steve’s IV to pump some more pain meds through the super soldier’s body. “It won’t be forever…but after what I’ve done to you,” he sighed as he looked over the battered form of his husband and swallowed hard. “SHIELD needs to make sure that this won’t happen again, so I’m going to have to go away again,” the assassin pressed a soft kiss to Steve’s temple as he stood up and reluctantly let go of his husband’s hand. “You hang in there punk….we’ll meet again one day soon,” he spoke, smiling sadly as he moved to leave the room and go into SHIELD’s custody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you've read this despite my failure to give you smut, I commend you and I appreciate it!
> 
> Since Bucky had to go into custody, the next section of the story will be a series of letters that Bucky will write to Steve while in custody with a final (smutty) reunion.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
